Things to consider
This page helps you to look at some of the key considerations you might want to think about before you set off on your journey to apply for an intermediary service, so you can have help and support to locate your relative who has been adopted. They can then be informed of your interest to have contact and decide if that is something they want. Some things to consider:
Is it a good idea to try and get in contact?
Why now?
If you’re looking at this site, there’s a good chance you’re a birth parent or relative considering searching for a relative who has been adopted.
There can many reasons why birth relatives make a decision to actively try and find the relative who has been adopted. It may be that you are a birth parent who has thought about the child you had who was adopted for many years and have wanted to know what has happened to them, but it is only now that you feel ready to take this step forward. It could be that you are looking for a brother or sister and you have only just found out they exist.
Is it a good idea to try and get in contact?
In every situation there can be benefits and drawbacks, and it is important that you have had the opportunity to consider these with an experienced adoption advisor or intermediary worker to help you prepare for the different outcomes that you may encounter, Things that birth relatives have said that they found it important to consider include:
- How your enquiries may affect other people in your family and the family of the adopted person
- The expectations you have about contact
- What hopes and fears you have about trying to make contact with your adopted relative.
- What if it all goes wrong?
- What if the person doesn’t want to know you?
- Is there a possibility that they don’t know they are adopted?
- What would they know about you?
- Have they made any enquires about their origins or thought about looking for you?
Is it the right time?
It’s important that you’re in the right frame of mind to begin this journey. Regardless of the outcome of your search, it’s likely to be an emotionally and stressful time for you, so you should aim to approach it at a time when there are as few complications and stresses in your life as possible.
It is also worth considering that your life and those of your family may be changed forever by the outcome of your search. For example, this may have a potential impact not only on you, but also on other family members such as your partner, your children, and other close relatives.
Equally, think about the search and contact from the adopted relative’s point of view. Some adopted people may be totally unaware that the law has changed giving birth relatives the right to apply for an intermediary service to enable you to contact them. This is not a reason not to pursue your search, as it is your legal and ethical right, but don’t be surprised by the range of reactions of those close to you.
What are you hoping for?
It’s important to consider what you hope to gain from this journey. It may help to sit down and write out your expectations, hopes and fears. For example:
- Do you just want to know if they are alive and how they are?
- Do you want to meet them?
- Are you hoping for an ongoing relationship?
- How would this fit into your current life and that of the rest of your family?
- Are you anxious about the impact it might have on your own and adopted relative’s family?
Don’t be surprised if your expectations and wishes change over time – particularly after a meeting.
What support is available?
Many birth relatives find it helpful to have support during the search and contact process and therefore it is helpful to consider who can provide this. Family and friends are often many people’s “go-to” solution, but there is also a variety of adoption agencies and individuals who may be able to provide support, which includes, but is not limited to: Adoption Advisors (also referred to as Adoption Workers, these are specialists who work for Local Authority adoption teams) Regional Adoption Agencies, Voluntary Adoption Agencies and Adoption Support Agencies. For more information on where to find adoption support visit our Adoption Directory page.
These agencies may provide intermediary services for birth relatives and can act as an intermediary, which can be helpful when an approach to a birth relative is being considered. Using an adoption advisor, intermediary, or other professional can be a good source of ongoing support and advice as they not only have experience of providing intermediary services but also have knowledge and understanding of some of the issues that can come up. For example, up until the 1970s, having baby when a woman was unmarried carried a huge stigma and the pregnancy and child’s birth was often shrouded in secrecy and shame. For some birth mothers this meant that they felt unable to tell anyone, including partners and subsequent children, that they had a baby who was placed for adoption. There can be a range of experiences and feelings birth relatives experience as a result of the adoption, and if you would find this helpful the adoption and intermediary worker can discuss these with you along with any other particular issues you are concerned about.
Groups for birth parents and relatives and online forums can be another source of support – and although these groups unfortunately are not common, there may be one locally. You can find out by checking with the adoption service and Adoption Support Agencies in your area or ask your intermediary worker. These are a great way to get support and advice and share your experiences. They can also enable you to hear about the range of experiences other people have had, as well as the outcome of their search and contact they encountered.
Talking to family, friends and those you trust about the pros and cons of contacting the adopted relative can be another source of support. Some may feel very positive about you doing this and others may feel more cautious or afraid that you may encounter a negative outcome.
Remember though, that however enthusiastic or negative a friend or family member is about it, ultimately the decision to search is yours and yours alone.
Until contact is made, you are in control and be aware that you can take the process of searching at your own pace.
